Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
