I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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