Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
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