best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
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