you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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