I like my sex mixed with concussions.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
