Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
