I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
