new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize
