Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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