I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
