proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I just found a bag of teeth...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
