He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
