And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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