Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
you traded sex for a burrito?
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
