she told me i tasted like america
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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