Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
