No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
