i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Randomize
