i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
