Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
