Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My day in three words: secret purse cake
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
