Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
