Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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