Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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