god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I think I won the penis lottery.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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