I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
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