i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
he quoted the bible to break up with me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
