good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
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