I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I want her autograph on my taint
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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