make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
