She is in my trunk
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The best revenge is premature balding
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
