Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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