They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
