Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
