Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Randomize
