He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
