Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
