They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize