An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
