just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
