it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
