These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
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I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
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I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
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