I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
