I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
