some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
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