I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
