I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)