I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
