i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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