I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
