threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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